I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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