in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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