Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
