We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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