Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
