She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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