OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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