You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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