My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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