watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
