Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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