maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
