Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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