hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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