Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
