I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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