Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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