Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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