Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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