I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
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