she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
