I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
