you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.