I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance