Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
