i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
