I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
