reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
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I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.