I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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