I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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