You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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