the condom got lost in my hair
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
