A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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