grandma shit on top of the toilet
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
