So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
