I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
