everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
