If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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