I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
