Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
