Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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