According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were trust falling into bushes
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
