Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Success! We fucked roommates!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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