I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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