I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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