when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
