I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize