two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
