turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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