The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
