remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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