just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
