Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize