i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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