I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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