The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
