We are two peas in an std pod
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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